Fitting in

The trauma that shaped my life at school. I was 12 years old in Grade 7 and we were participating in wrestling as part of our gym curriculum. We were having battles with each student on the mat. As the teacher would call out two names, two boys would enter the mat and would have to try and put the other on their back to win. Being one of the smaller boys in my grade, I didn’t win very many matches and that was ok…. After about 5 matches that I lost, the call came out to myself and another boy. He was much smaller than me and I lost. When I lost, I saw the look on my teacher’s face as one of disappointment and everyone laughed. My peers began to label me as weak and insignificant. From that day forward, I would be picked last in any physical activities around the school. Being picked last several times really affected my confidence and self esteem as I felt like I was very athletic. I had lost “friends” because I was the forefront of many jokes and bullying. I felt alone and unworthy. A blessing in disguise came when my parents moved to a different home in a different district. I thought to myself, “OK. New school, new opportunities but I can’t let anyone know that I was weak or couldn’t stand up for myself”. When the school year started, I was very aggressive and used my words to gain advantages over people along with a persona of being angry… don’t mess with me. I knew deep down that wasn’t who I was but I needed to protect myself from feeling worthless or insignificant again. Being so angry and aggressive caused me to not have many friends and once again, I became the target of bullying. I had tried so hard to fit in but I never felt like I belonged to any group other than the other kids that got bullied. I didn’t want to be associated with this group because it meant more hardship for me at school. During our breaks, I would eat lunch alone and then go “study”. I was an average student at best, I didn’t care to study. I just didn’t want people to know that I was lonely. I had kept this way of thinking into my high school years and didn’t make real friendships along the way. I started dating a girl in grade 10 and became immediately attached to her. This was fine for me because I always had someone (Trauma bond) until we broke up in grade 11 and I realized that everyone had made their groups and I didn’t have anyone. As much as I tried to fit in with different groups, the skaters, the hockey guys, and even people of similar heritage. Nothing had worked and I would bounce between each group looking for a way in. I could never find one because I didn’t have the confidence or self esteem to enable a friendship beyond school or hockey. I had made acquaintances but everything was surface level and I soon began distancing myself from everyone. I would eat lunch alone somewhere in the hallways or stairwells. After I was finished lunch, I headed to the library where I focused on my “studies”. This feeling of being lonely was something I didn’t want anyone else to feel. I was so broken and alone…all I wanted was someone to talk to me and get to know the real me… no one ever came. As life continue’d on, this feeling of not being worthy, enough, or loved contributed to becoming a people pleaser with a fear of rejection or looking weak. It was always lurking in the background. When I discovered this trauma event, I allowed myself to acknowledge it, accept it, forgive myself along with those involved, and heal my inner child. In understanding how I was feeling and loving myself throughout the process, I am happy to say this trauma no longer plays a role in my life and I am healed.

Chris