Unmasking the Warrior:
Deep-seated wounds manifest in various ways: anger, indecision, people-pleasing, hypervigilance, and anxiety. Anxiety has been a lifelong companion, though I didn't realize it until my mid 30’s. My Anxiety was controlling my life. Not allowing me to upset others and constantly being on alert. I attributed my anxiety to my childhood. Growing up in a chaotic household was the birthplace of my anxiety. The uncertainty of what the day holds can send your mind swirling into a whirlwind of "What ifs".
High-functioning anxiety has been my silent driver in life, pushing me forward rather than holding me back in fear. It's what's allowed me to achieve success, at least by conventional measures. But what happens when success eludes you? That's when things got tough.
Beneath the veneer of a seemingly flawless exterior, I battled a ceaseless undercurrent of anxiety. Let me share an illustrative example involving a high-stress, episode triggered by my trauma.
When I joined the fire department, my experience with firefighting was limited to tending my lawn. I had a vague notion of what the job entailed. The selection process was daunting, but at 22, I found myself accepted into the fire department's Class 3 of 2008.
Early on, we tackled a blackout search drill while wearing full SCBA gear. I'd never breathed pressurized air, let alone worked in the dark. The objective was simple: listen for the SCBA alarm, a loud chirp indicating a firefighter's stillness. Anxiety took hold. Doubts raced through my mind. Can I do this? Is this the right path? What would my father say? What about my partner? You've already quit your job; can you really go back? The fear of disappointing those I sought acceptance from spurred me on to tackle the drill.
As my turn approached, I was terrified. Racing thoughts had to be set aside; it was my turn to go. I fumbled through the exercise, struggling in the tight quarters and darkness. Anxiety consumed me. At one point, I even contemplated removing my facepiece, knowing it meant automatic suspension from the department. Fear coursed through me. In that moment, I discovered the power of controlled breathing. It was a close call, and I kept my fear hidden.
Over the years, confidence in my abilities grew. Yet, every call triggered a rush of anxiety from the moment the alarm sounded. This mindset propelled me to become an elite firefighter. But there's a limit to what one person can bear. My anxiety pushed me to become my very best but witnessing an individual's worst days daily became heavier and heavier. The weight of every loss, every cry, every scream replayed in my mind on repeat. Eventually I would be consumed by PTSD.
We as men can keep this stoic façade that society has bestowed upon us, or we allow ourselves to fail and be vulnerable. I felt like I couldn’t speak up to what my needs were. I didn’t want to bother anyone with something so meaningless. I hid my trauma behind a mask my entire life until now...
Through therapy and support, I managed to pull myself out of the darkness and gradually began to understand that I had done the best I could with the tools and training available to me. I came to accept that I couldn't have done anything more.
For once in my life, I found peace with that realization. I started applying this newfound way of thinking to my daily life, embracing the concept of self-compassion and acknowledging my limitations. This shift in perspective has transformed my trajectory, and I am now on a path towards building mental resilience once again.
I stand here today to change that narrative. I'm here to extend a hand to these remarkable warriors, offering them peace and a life unshackled. Together, we'll find our way.
